AN OPEN HEART

An Open Heart.

I fell ill and lost my sense of self, of purpose, suffered from low self esteem, I was depressed and didn't even know it. I shut myself away from the world. The world is turning and people are moving, but you don't feel like you're a part of it. Have you ever felt such deep sadness or pain, but you can't cry?

Another day would arrive and I'd wonder to myself where my mask was. It helped me face the world. Face the person I didn't recognise and hated in the mirror. My fear paralysed me. My future scared me, what people think and say about me scared me. I didn't know who I was. Lost!

I used to catch glimpses of a different world and I'd smile a rare smile to myself. After many years of sadness and pain, hope slowly started floating upwards. I wasn't satisfied with where I was. Hope! Hope is such a beautiful thing. It means a feeling of expiation and desire for a particular thing to happen. I didn't know the full dictionary meaning then, but I recognised it and the minute I did, she started showing up more and more. In different ways... One day my daughter who was about 10 at the time said to me, Mama why are you ill?" And I replied I was sad for a long time and became ill and she replied, "If sadness made you ill, then happiness can make you well again." Hope!

I decided to slowly let go of my death grip on pain and sadness which had become my blanket. With each step I took my mind screamed no at me. As I let go, I felt naked many times without my pain, but I pushed through. I began to trust again, to smile again and occasionally laugh too. My heart started to open. I could feel it constrict with joy sometimes. It wasn't used to such an overload of happiness. I began to trust life again. Sometimes I'd shrink back, but we are beings made to love and love is our natural estate so holding on to love is not as difficult as holding on to fear or pain. They are cowards and will fall back at the slightest challenge.

I put in the work required to transform my mind and my heart and I broke the damn cage I had built for myself.

I looked at what brought me to the point of despair and I learned from it. I became strong, but with compassion. Fearless, but I channelled it. I was courageous, but with empathy. Strength showed up and I said welcome what took you so long?

I wanted to make a difference first to myself and then to others so I made a decision. I decided to harness my energy and show life that I'm in control and I'm the boss. I won't let this destroy me. I'M BACK and I'm stronger and better. This is who I am and what I stand for. I stand up for abundance, I stand up for love, I stand up for my dreams. I'm about that now and all out to have it with no apologies.

I turned my situation around and I live with an open heart that I feel is so happy it sometimes wants to give me hug.

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